TiltQuiz

NOTE: This originally appeared as an interactive quiz but is presented here in an archive form.

The Tiltboy trip report: Six Sigmas Out, which is essentially the story of a 2-day trip to Vegas spent playing poker the entire time, is how many pages long if you print it out?
1. 1/2 a page
2. 1 page
3. 2 pages
4. 42 pages
Answer: (d).
What is a TiltMeter (TM)?
1. a shipboard device for recognizing wave-induced sway
2. a pinball machine bump sensitivity mechanism
3. slightly greater than a yard
4. a chart for understanding each Tiltboy's state of mind while reading a trip report
Answer: (d).
Which Tiltgirl sports a chartreuse Victoria's Secret bra?
1. Rafaela
2. Bruscilla
3. Michelle
4. Frieda
Answer: (c).
Which of the following is NOT a Tiltboy favorite drink in vegas?
1. Green Apple
2. Rusty Nail
3. Atlanta Tilt
4. Tomato juice, extra olives, extra celery, salt, pepper (aka "Meal-In-A-Glass" (TM))
5. Hash Brownies
Answer: (e). No one would mistake these for a drink unless they've had several.
Stern's behavior in Vegas most resembles:
1. a man on acid
2. a man on acid and only 2 hours of sleep
3. a schizophrenic man on acid and only 2 hours of sleep
4. none of the above
Answer: (c).
Which of the following has Perry never done?
1. Swum in the fountain in front of Caesar's Palace
2. Eaten a perfect low (aka, a wheel)
3. Eaten a keno crayon
4. circled and punched a blackjack dealer
5. folded a hand of poker
Answer: (e).
When teeing off in golf, your best drive will result if you:
1. Look up at your playing partners and ask them to stop angling you on your backswing
2. Make sure you rub the Diceboy's head for good luck
3. Make sure to press all bets you have going with Phil
4. Lock your leg
Answer: (d). (a) is a trick answer because while it would help if it worked, it's much more likely to just increase the angling. (b) ignores the inverse corollary to dice's six sigmas, namely that if you are playing with him you are bound to be at least five sigmas negative, and rubbing him may worsen the effect. (c) is something you should definitely do, however the question was regarding how to achieve the best drive, not how to maximize profits.
Although Phil "Scam King" Gordon will bet the farm that he will score with at least two ladies on the upcoming Vegas trip, it's a safe bet he won't even get to first base with one. When one of his leads does actually call the room and leave a message that she wants to get in touch with him, you should:
1. run down to the poker room and tell him immediately
2. call her back and tell her that Phil asked you to stand in for him
3. delete the message, because in your sleep-deprived fog you think it must be a wrong number; you don't know any "Jennifer"s
4. make up the entire story about getting such a message, to tilt Phil
5. Either (c) or (d)
Answer: (e). Only one Tiltboy knows which, and he isn't talking.
Tiltboy Space Cadet is so named because:
1. he's a big fan of the video game Gorf
2. he works for NASA
3. ...
Answer: (c). I'm sorry, were you talking to me?
We drag Johnny to the craps table for his virgin dice throw. He proceeds to:
1. grab all the dice offered by the stickman, instead of the customary two
2. throw two dice straight up in the air and off the table
3. throw the dice as hard as he can, nearly taking out the left eye of Dennis Rodman, who is shooting at the same table
4. go on a 20 minute rush and make 8 passes
5. all of the above
Answer: (e). Dennis was not happy about it either.
Johnny's nickname is "Coffee Johnny", due partially to his propensity to cogitate endlessly about one dollar call decisions, but also partially to his bouts with narcolepsy. When he dozes off at the strip club, the recommended procedure is:
1. set a dollar in his outstretched hand for the stripper on stage
2. pick his pockets, take all his money and leave the club
3. tip a stripper to bounce his face between her ample orbs
4. tell him his name was just called for 3-6
Answer: (c).
In a birthday party that he once threw for Rafe, how many former and current (until the party) girlfriends did Phil invite to attend?
1. 1
2. 2
3. 3
4. 4
5. 5
6. 6
Answer: (f).
Bonus: how many of them were named Susan?
1. 1
2. 2
3. 3
4. 4
5. 5
6. 6
Answer: (c).
Flammable means the same thing as Inflammable, True or False?
1. True
2. False
Answer: (a).
The number of times Rafe lost a bet about the answer to the previous question in one weekend is:
1. 0
2. 1
3. 2
4. 3
Answer: (c).
In which game was Stern angled out of the most money by a fellow Tiltboy?
1. Cross-cross
2. Tic-tac-holdem
3. Tic-tac-toe
4. 5-card draw
Answer: (c). He's been angled out of money in each of these games and more, but Tic-tac-toe takes the cake.
How did Bruce lose his Vegas plane ticket to Dice in the airport parking lot?
1. Rock, Rock, Paper, Scissors, Rock
2. Paper, Paper, Paper, Paper, Paper
3. Paper, Rock, Scissors, Paper, Paper
4. Scissors, Paper, Rock, Paper, Paper
Answer: (b). Bruce was thinking, "good old rock, nothing beats rock". We know, it doesn't make any sense either.
If the Tiltboys were Spice Girls and Bruce were Space Spice, who would Perry be?
1. Dice Spice
2. Tilt Spice
3. Angle Spice
4. Pussy Spice
5. None of the above
Answer: (e). He'd be Spew Spice.
Which of the following is NOT acceptable use of a hotel room in Vegas:
1. Sleep
2. Sex
3. Storing your golf clubs while you play poker
4. Bong hits
Answer: (a).
Which celebrity has NOT been tilted by Perry?
1. Roy Cooke
2. Tori Spelling
3. Mike Caro
4. Gabe Kaplan
5. Lee Jones
Answer: (a). It was Dave who was the master of tilting Cooke. "(e) Lee Jones" is a trick answer, since he's not a celebrity.
Which Tiltboy is the biggest Pussy?
1. Steve
2. Tony
3. Lenny
4. Kim
5. Lee Jones
Answer: (c). "(e) Lee Jones" is a trick answer, not a Tiltboy.
Which of the following is NOT a sanctioned Roshambo game?
1. Race to 3
2. Crack the Walnut
3. Double-loss freeroll
4. Doublefist
5. Jonestown
Answer: (e). Are you kidding?
When playing in a keno syndicate with the Diceboy, is it ever correct strategy to let the house out of the bet once you've placed it and they have accepted?
1. Yes, if Lenny is also in the syndicate
2. Yes, if you need the money to play an emergency craps session
3. No, you should never play keno in the first place
4. No, as Mason Malmuth once said, the Sigma Adjusted Odds (TM) of hitting the jackpot with Dice on your team combined with the Implied Tilt Odds (TM) of hitting your numbers after you let the house out make this play an even bigger error than letting Bruce hold your plane tickets for you.
Answer: (d).
Which of the following is NOT a Tiltboy trademark?
1. "Please don't tap on the aquarium" (TM)
2. "Implied Tilt Odds" (TM)
3. "Pop His Ass All-In" (TM)
4. "How's My Table Image? Dial 1-888-TILTBOY" (TM)
5. "The Diceboy sucked out on me again!" (TM)
Answer: (e). Certain words and expressions, such as Kleenex or Shredded Wheat, become so ubiquitous that they enter the public domain.
What is the easiest way to tilt Phil?
1. Place a personal ad in the Palo Alto Daily for him: "Tall, geeky gigolo seeking attractive airheaded babes for one-on-one, three-ways and more".
2. After you've been sleeping together for a few weeks, tell him how your past life regression therapist relieved you from the need to take Prozac.
3. Beat him out of $30 in pool and use the money to send a basket of fruit to him at his office the next day with a card reading "Thanks for showing me your 'cue stick', With Love from Tiltboy".
4. Room with him for a year and use your roshambo skills to win your half of the rent each month and several thousand dollars worth of electronic equipment.
5. None of the above.
Answer: (e). It's a trick question, you don't have to do anything to tilt Phil: he's pre-tilted! For those who are curious: (a) Perry, (b) a girlfriend who shall remain nameless, (c) Rafe, (d) Dave.
In the three years since the Tiltboys started attending BARGE, how many team sidebets have the Tiltboys LOST on the outcome of the no-limit tournament?
1. 0
2. 1
3. 3
4. 12
5. all of them
Answer: (a). Our win-loss record is 16-0. Was there any doubt?
Who is most tilted about the answer to the previous question?
1. Lee Jones
2. Phil Gordon
3. alt.drunken.bastards (ADB)
4. r00lerz
5. A7o ("Harbingers of Tiltboy doom")
6. None of the above
Answer: (f). It's a trick because (c), (d), (e) are all tied for most tilted, Phil is a Tiltboy, and Lee Jones is too much of a Pussy to have ever wagered.
What was the purpose of the now-defunct phone number: 1-888-TILTBOY?
1. a place to get your roshambo fix over the phone
2. a hotline for engaging in phone-sex with Bruce's mom
3. a service for reporting Table Image violations
4. a monument to the egotism of "Pop-His-Ass-All-In Productions"
5. all of the above
Answer: (e).
Diceboy was recently purchased at a BARGE symposium by the Tiltboy syndicate for $10 more than we had budgeted. Why?
1. We figured he was locked to win and saw no harm in donating to the pool
2. Lee Jones' wild gesticulations while lecturing somebody about poker were mistaken for a bid
3. It's a natural side-effect of his six-sigma energy field
4. Phil overbid for him when we already had the winning bid
Answer: (d).
Who among the following is NOT legally named after a Tiltboy?
1. Allison Kestrel Paley
2. Guinevere Philana Swiencicki
3. Jennifer Poirier-Augustine
4. Lee Jones, Jr.
Answer: (d).
Which Tiltboy holds the highest finish in a poker tournament?
1. Stern
2. Rafe
3. Perry
4. Bruce
5. Diceboy
Answer: (c). Stern officially finished 2nd in the Bay101 Ladies-Only tourney after cutting a money deal with the woman who won the trophy.
It's NOT a suckout if:
1. you are sure you are going to get there
2. you have Implied Tilt Odds (TM)
3. you don't stand up and do the Lambert Clench (TM) afterwards
4. all of the above
Answer: (d).
After innumerable hotel room bong hits on his birthday in Vegas one year, Rafe believes he is too stoned to stand. Phil and Bruce call room service to order a luggage dolly and strap Rafe to it Silence-of-the-Lambs-style, in order to wheel him to what critical destination?
1. the hotel infirmary
2. his PA meeting (Potheads Anonymous)
3. the snack stand
4. the Mirage 20-40 holdem table
Answer: (d).
Which Tiltboy was NOT recruited out of a California public card club?
1. Phil
2. Josh
3. Paul
4. Tony
5. Bruce
Answer: (d).
Which is the biggest suckout?
1. Kim S. and JZK meeting at BARGE and marrying a year and a half later
2. Perry attracting his intelligent and lovely fiancee, Kim C.
3. Bruce attracting his intelligent and lovely wife, Lisa
4. Lenny attracting his intelligent and lovely girlfriend, Theresa
5. Lee Jones winning BARGE
Answer: (e).
Which is NOT a legal Roshambo move?
Answer: (d).
You hold AA and Diceboy holds 23o, flop comes AAK, turn comes 7, he bets all his remaining chips into you and you call. Can Dice still suck out on the river or do you have him utterly and completely locked out barring the end of civilization as we know it?
1. Dice can still suck out
2. Dice is locked out
Answer: (a). If a fifth Ace comes on the river the hand would be dead and he gets his money back.
Define "In the air"?
1. What you are once the plane takes off to Vegas
2. Where the cards are after you've snapped Phil off on the river
3. Where the levitating holy men were that Dave claims to have seen in India
4. A method of betting without throwing chips in the pot in order to save time
5. All of the above
Answer: (e).
When wanting lessons in how to sexually arouse a bachelor-party stripper, your best bet is to ask:
1. Diceboy
2. Tony
3. Kim
4. Paul
Answer: (c). Don't ask.
Which Tiltboy is the most knowledgeable on the subject of OPERA?
1. Phil
2. Kim
3. Steve
4. Bruce
5. Perry
Answer: (d). It was a surprise to us too. Check out the story!
Who among the following has NOT experienced the "Clit Jet" in Penn Jillette's (from Penn & Teller) hot tub:
1. Bruce
2. Kim S.
3. JZK
4. Rafe
Answer: (d). And yes, it works as advertised.
If you were playing The Price Is Right, and you had to bid on the number of nipples that Kim and JZK have combined, without going over, which of the following bids would be closest to the actual answer?
1. 1
2. 3
3. 5
4. 7
5. 9
Answer: (d). The actual number is 8.
What is proper procedure for making a floor ruling at the Tiltboy home game?
1. Roshambo
2. Let Josh explain why the ruling should logically be "X", and then rule "not X"
3. Ask ourselves collectively what would be proper in a Mike Zimmers home game, and then rule opposite of that
4. Any of the above
Answer: (d).
To get poker room rates at the Monte Carlo, it is necessary that you play 4 hours per day. If 20 people spend the weekend at the MC and they're willing to accept 160 hours of cumulative play in two days to give poker rates to the whole group, how many Tiltboys need attend?
1. 10
2. 8
3. 6
4. 4
Answer: (d). Perry and Kim will manage 24 hrs/day and any two other Tiltboys can handle the remaining 16 hrs/day
Which of the following has never been witnessed at a Tiltboy homegame?
1. A scantily clad 6-foot redhead fetching beer and giving backrubs
2. 5 players consuming a lifetime supply of hash brownies
3. Diceboy experiencing a +$1200 swing during a night of 1-2 limit
4. Paul denying Diceboy a roshambo match because he called his wife for permission and she said no
Answer: (d). She did say no, but he went ahead and spewed a few C-notes anyway
Which is NOT a legal/possible action in a Tiltboy homegame?
1. Check-Raising
2. Tilt-capping the first round of betting before the deal
3. Betting additional money after the declare
4. Capping it all the way, declaring high with the best low hand, and losing
5. Having correct odds to call all-in preflop in no limit holdem with 55 when your sole opponent exposes AA.
6. None of the above
Answer: (f). (a) Check-raising is not possible since it will be capped before it gets back to you, though it is technically legal. (b) Tilt-Capping (TM) is the practice of declaring that you intend to cap the current round of betting; if anyone else accepts (in or out of turn), the round is immediately capped and the remaining players can either complete their bets to the cap or fold. (c) There is always an additional round of betting after declaring (high, low, or scoop). (d) Not only is this possible, but is done routinely by Stern. (e) If you win with Presto and the hand is shown, you get a freeroll-roshambo for $5 from the other Tiltboys ($10 if you slowplayed it before the flop).
In a game of 7 card high/low split you hold: 3d 4d 5d 6d (6h 6c), with one card to come, against the following:
   Stern: 2c 3c 4c 5c
   Diceboy: As Ah Ad 5h
   Perry: 8c 2s Th Ks
   Phil: Ac 3s 5s 8d
You should:
1. Raise, because Stern thinks it's high only and will fold when he realizes his straight-flush draw is dead
2. Fold, because if you catch a good low to beat Phil's made 8, he will punch your lights out
3. Raise, to make Perry pay for his gutshot straight draw
4. Fold, because Diceboy is going to scoop with a straight-flush wheel
Answer: (d). Duh!
One of Josh's favorite games to call is "Omaha S.E.R.". When he does, what game are you playing?
1. Omaha Stud, Eleven Raises per round
2. Omaha, Stupid Eight Rule
3. Omaha Seven, Eight River cards
4. Omaha, Satan Eats Raisins
Answer: (b). It's really stupid to call a game with an 8 qualifier for low, when Perry is prepared to cap it all the way with a Jack low. Hence "Stupid Eight Rule".
What is the correct procedure when Elijah's hand beats yours at the showdown?
1. Consider it a sign from God and go home for the night
2. Put him on a plane to Israel immediately
3. Watch the Tiltboys who have folded roshambo for the pot
4. Accuse him of using divine providence to manipulate the odds
Answer: (c). Elijah is a phantom hand which you must beat in order to win the pot. If you can't and there are no other players in the pot who can beat Elijah, all players who have folded get to roshambo for the pot. Any game can be played either "con Elijah" or "sans Elijah" (that's Spanish and French for "with Elijah" or "without Elijah" respectively).
You're playing Gameshow Ding-a-ling, Unique-a-Ling variant, and you flip an Ace for the first pull. You must:
1. do something unique with your ding-a-ling
2. "I'll take what's behind pile #3, Monty"
3. give the Ace to Perry to eat
4. roshambo the dealer to determine whether you pay $1 or $11 to the pot
Answer: (d).
Speaking of Gameshow Ding-a-ling, how many successive penalty cards and what total penalties did Steve once pay prior to winning a $36 pot?
1. 2 cards, $10 penalty
2. 3 cards, $15 penalty
3. 4 cards, $20 penalty
4. 5 cards, $32 penalty
Answer: (d).
In which of the following legal Tiltboy homegames are you likely to miscalculate your hand in spite of having played the game a hundred times?
1. 1-2-5-10 Spit and Shit
2. Spit and Cross Ding-a-ling with a Twist
3. any game, if your last name is Stern
4. b and c above
Answer: (d).
Which of the following investment practices guarantees a handsome return?
1. sell short any stock which Rafe purchases
2. bet against any sports team that Steve bets on
3. bet Stern that his answer to a mathematical calculation is wrong after he has proclaimed "I am 100% certain it is correct, beyond any doubt, and I'd bet my life savings on it"
4. call Perry's raises down with any hand that beats 51% of random hands
5. any of the above
Answer: (e).
Which married Tiltboy had to Roshambo in their own wedding ceremony against their mate's father in order to win their true-love's hand in marriage?
1. Kim
2. Steve
3. Bruce
4. Josh
5. None of the above
Answer: (c). Luckily Bruce went paper and her dad went Rock
Rafe's secret shame is:
1. privately regretting having taken money from a friend via an "angle" bet
2. having been circled by Lee Jones
3. dressing as a women to enter a woman's only poker tournament
4. being Stern's cousin
Answer: (d). Though he's working on a family tree to try to disprove it
Which of the following is NOT a best-selling poker book?
1. Locked Both Ways, Winning Neither by Michael Stern
2. Lucky Me, Lucky You by David Lambert (forward by Lenny Augustine)
3. Lucid Thinking by Bruce Hayek
4. Raising From Last Place by Perry Friedman
5. On My High H.O.R.S.E. by Lee Jones
Answer: (e).
Which of the following is NOT an anagram for a Tiltboy name (may include middle names):
1. Wsfuale Dcresdds lasdkj
2. A Calm Fart Surfer
3. World Hopping Artiste
4. Me Drive Satan
5. Mr. Be Alternate Christ
Answer: (a). (b) Rafael Marc Furst (c) Philip Stewart Gordon (d) Steve Miranda (e) Michael Barrett Stern
Which Tiltboy once locked his keys in his car after running out of gas on the freeway, on his way to pick up a group of Tiltboys to go on a ski-trip?
1. Dave
2. Stern
3. Bruce
4. Paul
Answer: (b). Not only that, but the cop who happened by before AAA arrived and gave him the ticket for obstructing traffic had all slim-jim models except the one model necessary to open his car up, necessitating that he wait for AAA after all. Talk about being "locked out"!
When Paul was ticketed by Officer O'Connor for illegally backing up on a crowded freeway onramp, what did he do about it?
1. Swore at Officer O'Connor and got hauled off to jail
2. Paid the ticket
3. Went to traffic school
4. Failed to appear for his hearing
5. Called the police department administrative desk pretending to be running an animal charity event which he wanted Officer O'Connor to speak at, asked which dates would work or not work for O'Connor, found out that O'Connor would be on vacation on July 23rd, and subsequently scheduled his court date for the 23rd knowing that if the officer doesn't show the case gets thrown out.
Answer: (e).

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